Whether you make a change because you’re choosing to or because you’ve told yourself that you have, is there a difference? Either way, we make the change, right? Well, maybe temporarily but whether we change for the long-term depends a lot on whether we’re choosing our actions.
Do we have choice?
Every time we do something it is typically out of choice. We can choose to take an action (or inaction) on just about anything. There are just consequences to those choices. However, we often don’t speak of choice or think that way.
We say to others or to ourselves:
- "I have to take my kids to hockey practice"
- "I should renew my driver’s license."
- "I have to go for a run."
- "I can’t eat this or that."
However, we chose to sign our kids up for hockey – we probably even paid for it.
We could drive with an expired license but we just run the risk of getting a ticket so we choose to renew our licence
We choose to go for the run because there is some outcome – endorphins, blood sugar management, calorie burn, exhausting the family dog - that we are looking to get out of it.
We choose what we put in our mouths. Your parents stopped physically putting food in there a long time ago.
The Power of Choice
In my last post, I spoke about how thoughts influence feelings which influence actions. So, when I talk about choice, I’m talking about the mental state it creates.
When you say to yourself "I can’t smoke the cigarette" or "I have to skip the cigarette", how does that feel compared to "I’m choosing not to have a cigarette today"?
“I can’t” or “I have to” implies there is some external force that is making us not smoke – something beyond our control. It can make us feel weak, unempowered, constrained or deprived – a victim of our circumstances. While we might take a pass on the cigarette this time, this thinking pattern doesn’t put us in a good emotional state to feel like taking a pass next time.
“I’m choosing” implies that force is within us. When we are choosing our actions, we are empowered, enabled, motivated to make this choice that is in our best interest. This energizes us to not only successfully make the choice that is in our best interest this time but next time too.
There is a good reason that this is so important. Autonomy – the feeling that one has a choice, is a key factor in motivation. The research demonstrates over and over that those who feel that they are willingly choosing their actions, tend to be more motivated. I guess that saying that ‘No one likes to be told what to do’ holds true. This is a key part of ‘self-determination’ that I wrote about here if you’re interested in a deeper dive.
How to remind ourselves that we have choice
So how do we remind ourselves that we can are choosing our actions as opposed to feeling like the victims of our circumstances? It’s all in our language.
Watch for phrases like "Have to", "Should" or "Can’t". These are words that take the power from us and give it to some other entity that is forcing us to do whatever action follows. For example, “I have to go to bed earlier.” “I should go to bed earlier” or the double whammy, “I can’t because I have to go to bed earlier.”
Instead, select words that suggest choice and autonomy like ‘’Choose to”, “am” or “Get to” for example. I choose to go to bed earlier. I am going to bed earlier, or I get to go to bed earlier. You can substitute just about any behaviour you like after these magical phrases. For example, choose to eat the salad, get to go for a walk, am meditating, get to plan my meals, choose to prepare my meals, am skipping the drive-through.
Sometimes we don’t realize how much choice we have. Do you have to wash the floor or are you choosing to wash the floor? Is it only you that cares if the floor is clean? Do we have to go to that party we didn’t enjoy last year or are we choosing to go? Could we choose not to go? Do we have to pick the salad over the French fries or are we choosing to pick the salad over the French fries? Weigh the pros and cons. Make your choice. Remind yourself that you have chosen.
When it comes to health coaching, I always allow my clients to choose the next action or practice that they want to work on. I know we don’t like to be told what to do. I might suggest ideas but at the end of the session, it’s on my clients to choose. It’s always their choice.
If you’re interested in getting coached toward choosing the next action to create a healthier you, consider a free health coaching consultation. You can request an appointment here.
I like the way you link choice to a positive (empowerment) – I have been thinking a lot about choice in terms of accountability. (e.g. I can’t afford this because I made a choice to spend money on that). Thinking about present and future choices is much healthier than regretting choices of the past.